Cartman Starts A Fundraiser
by John-117sp
Summary: Cartman starts a fundraiser for himself. What could possibly go wrong? ABANDONED
1. Chapter 1: For Destiny

**Hello, I'm back. I'm just going to write a short and funny story about what kids normally do best in South Park. The purpose of this fic is just for fun. Some OCs will show up but ultimately serve as either background characters or antagonists. While this takes place chronologically after my Stick of Truth Story, it's not required to read that story to understand what this story is all about.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Sitting on the couch on a sunny Monday afternoon, a certain fat 10-year-old boy with brown pants, a red jacket, and a teal beanie had his jaws agape while holding a near-empty bag of Cheesy Poofs as he sat on the couch watching the end of the commercial as the deep male voice boomed through the television. _"Get Destiny: The Taken King and the complete Destiny adventure in the Legendary Edition. Rated T for teen."_ The flashing lights of the live action trailer shown on the TV as well as the showcase of the package of the product nearly made Eric leap out of his couch and jump for joy.

"That game looks so cool!" Eric Cartman's eyes trailed off to the left of his left foot, where his scrawny gray cat Mr. Kitty tried to climb on his legs to snatch the Cheesy Poofs right out of Eric's hand. "Hey! No! Bad Mr. Kitty!" Eric, using his right hand, slapped Mr. Kitty's face, sending him across the room. "Bad Mr. Kitty!"

"Meow!" Mr. Kitty let out a loud cry and hiss before leaping away to the kitchen.

Eric leaped out of the couch "I have to get that game! The Legendary Edition! It looks awesome!" As he turned to walk towards the kitchen, Liane Cartman casually strolled into the living room, whistling random noises and minding her own business. "Meem, you have to get me the game! The one that comes out this Sunday!"

"What game, honey?" Ms. Cartman raised an inquiring eyebrow at her son.

"Destiny! You promised months ago I'd get the game, and you still haven't gotten it. Now I want the Legendary Edition!" Eric's cheery expression turned quickly into a scowl as he stomped his right foot on the ground, heartbroken over the broken promise made months ago.

"How much does it cost?" Ms. Cartman clamped her teeth within her closed mouth, unsure of the answer her son was going to give her.

Eric rolled his eyes at the question, as if that didn't matter to him at all. "Sixty bucks, mom, but you promised!"

"Eric, sweetie, you know I work two jobs," Ms. Cartman rebutted. "We've talked about this before, I'm trying everything I can, but it's hard."

"Life isn't handed to you, mom!" Eric stomped his feet on the ground. "It's not fair that everyone's going to get Destiny but I won't! I swear, my mom is so poor, she got an eviction notice on her car!"

Ms. Cartman put her right hand over her mouth and immediately started to giggle from her son's joke. "Oh, that's a pretty good joke, honey."

Eric clenched his teeth with rage and raised his fat right index finger to point it straight at his mother's nose. "IT'S NOT FUNNY MOM!" He then turned around towards the front door, opened it to walk outside, and slammed it shut with such force that it nearly shook the entire house.

* * *

Towards the northwest side of town stood a brown building with the words "Jimbo's Guns" painted in yellow above the front doorway. A little to the right of the doorway was a boy and a girl leaning onto the wall. The boy wore blue pants, a brown jacket, and a blue poofball hat that covered all of his head while the girl wore yellow pants, a purple jacket, and a pink beret over her long jet-black hair. Each of them had one ice-cream cone in their hands; the boy had vanilla flavor while the girl had chocolate.

"I never thought I could believe it, Wendy." The boy took a lick out of his own ice cream. "Cole Dimmons is going out with Karen Anderson."

The girl softly laughed. "I'm quite happy for both of them actually, Stan. I think both of them will be alot happier. They look cute together."

Stan gave a simple nod then shrugged. "I'm not even sure what Bebe meant by..."

However, the ramblings of a voice too familiar growing louder in volume caused Stan and Wendy to fall silent. Noticing that the words came from their right, the two turned their heads in the direction of the voice as they saw Eric Cartman walk towards them. With his hands in the pockets of his jacket and an angrily contorted expression, he did not take his eyes off his shoes as he walked towards the pair. "This is bullcrap!" He then gazed his notice upon the young couple. "Sup, fags."

"What did Kyle do to you this time, Cartman?" Stan shifted his feet and stood up straight. He did his best to keep a straight face, but he, like everyone else, knew that whenever the fatass is angry, something bad will inevitably happen.

"Not Kahl, but this is still bullcrap!" Eric folded his arms as he angrily stomped the ground with his right foot. "My mom won't buy me Destiny!"

"Destiny?" Wendy turned to Stan as she raised an eyebrow at him. "Isn't it that one shooter game with space magic that I keep seeing commercials about?"

"Yeah," Stan replied, "it's kind of like another MMO."

"Regardless, it's still not fair!" Eric's sudden rise in tone almost caused Stan and Wendy to back off in surprise. "My mom promised to get me Destiny months ago! She is a lazy whore and she owes me big time! She can't just sit on her ass and expect money to come out of nowhere! I swear, my mom is so poor children from Africa send her money!"

Despite the joke that came out of Eric, Wendy's face contorted with disgust, appalled by Eric's words. Clamping her teeth inside her mouth, Wendy stepped forward with a stern expression. "Maybe, Cartman, you should stop caring so much about yourself. And I'm not giving you any money, why don't you go work for it for once? Like how Kenny still works at City Wok...uh..." Wendy turned to Stan as if seeking guidance, her face full of confusion now. "...I think?" Stan only replied with a simple shrug.

Eric's jaw dropped, taken aback offended at the girl's confrontation. "Ugh, I didn't ask for your opinion you dumb bitch!"

Grinding his teeth, Stan narrowed his eyes at Eric when he threw the insult at his girlfriend. "Stop it, Cartman! And I'm not lending you any money either, you still didn't pay me back for wrecking my bike!"

Eric put the palms of his hands together as if he were saying a prayer as he let out his signature whine. "But guys..."

"No!" Stan and Wendy yelled in unison.

"Fine!" Eric rubbed his chin for a second before a bright idea popped up in his head. Whatever idea that flew through his mind caused him to to crackle his energy, the ends of his mouth forming a wide, devious smile, and Stan and Wendy both eyed him with caution in that regard. "I've just got the greatest idea: I'm gonna start a fundraiser."

Caught off-guard by Eric's statement, Wendy raised an eyebrow at the fat kid. "You're going to start...a fundraiser?" Given that Eric is usually the opposite of what a generous person would be like, Wendy met that statement with suspicion. She almost folded her arms, but she remembered that her ice cream cone was in her right hand, and in doing so she would have spilled the chocolate cream all over her jacket.

"Yes." Cartman rubbed both of his hands together as he began to laugh. "I'm going to start a fundraiser - for myself. That way, I can buy Destiny."

Stan was shocked by this. He couldn't tell what was worse: the stupidity of Eric's statement or the selfishness of the statement. "What?"

"That's not what a fundraiser is." Wendy furrowed her eyebrows, appalled by Eric's greedy manner. "You raise money to help people."

"That's right," Eric replied. "I'm helping myself." Eric let out a heroic smile, a smile that only angered Wendy even more.

"You help other people with fundraisers, not yourself, you dumbass!" Wendy let out a harsh exhale.

Stan shook his head. "Cartman, don't you think this is a bad idea? How are you going to raise all that money anyways? And what if people find out you're a fraud? What are you going to do then? Wendy and I aren't going to help you raise money for yourself just so you can buy yourself Destiny."

Cartman let out a snide smirk at the young couple. "You can't help!"

"We don't want to help!" Wendy shot back.

"You can't help!"

Stan shook his head once again. "Cartman, why do you always do this? Every time you come up with these schemes to get money, it always backfires horribly. Like when we did the Crack Baby Athletic Association? Or when we made out own startup company? Don't you get it? All we ever do is lie to people to get money. My point is, Cartman, maybe you should rethink your approach on these things, because I'm not going to be a part of this anymore."

Wendy smiled at Stan, it was good to see that Stan finally grew out of his greedy phase. "Good for you, Stan."

Eric curled his lips but remained as calm as he could be. He let in a large inhale through his nose and exhaled with his nose. "You know what your problem is Stan? You don't have the attitude of a winner. You're always content with being second place. I'm also sick of you spoiling all the fun with your cynicism. Like right now, you're being a cynical asshole. I guess it's your hippie girlfriend that nailed that through your head. I told you man, girls are a bad influence."

Stan and Wendy both closed their eyes and piched the bridges of their noses at Eric's idiocy. "Cartman, will you just knock it off for once?" Wendy asked. She shot Stan a frustrated look then turned back to Eric.

"Sorry Wendeh, but I can't hear you through the sound of money about to be made." Eric cleared his throat before walking a bit past the couple. He turned back to point at them with both of his index fingers. "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"Cartman, wait-" Stan started.

"My name is not-" Wendy began to say.

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

As Eric walked away, Wendy cupped her hands around her mouth as if using a speakerphone. "Fine! Idiot!" She rolled her eyes and turned to Stan. "Can you believe that guy? I hope he gets what's coming to him."

"Oh he'll get what's coming to him, that's why I was gonna give him a bulletproof vest." Stan pointed his left thumb towards the doorway to Jimbo's Guns.

"Oh, yeah..." Wendy rubbed her chin with her left hand. "...knowing Cartman, that might be important."

* * *

 **The Stendy pairing is just a gem, but ultimately not going to be the main focus of this fic. Anyways, hope this fic is good so far, do leave a review. Stay tuned.  
**


	2. Chapter 2: The Fundraiser

**I'll answer any questions that pertain to myself or any of my stories in the beginning sections of each chapter. Other than that, enjoy.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

On a bright Tuesday morning, the entire 4th grade class sat inside the classroom bored, some children even asleep or beginning to fall asleep, as an older man droned on about topics that would not normally be taught to children, much less those in the 4th grade. For a man of age forty-one, he looked surprisingly aged, with his head nearly bald and what's left of his hair was completely gray. He wore thick-framed glasses with lenses the shape of rectangles, dark green pants, and a light-green jacket with its collar popped down. Forehead wrinkles are visible.

"...and so children, that is how women can use sex to control men." The "old" man cleared his throat as he looked around the room with a straight face. "Now, any questions?" A hand was raised into the air, and the man laid his eyes upon a wiry blonde kid with spiked hair, a sickly olive jacket not buttoned up quite right revealing nothing underneath, and dark-blue pants. "Yes Tweek?"

"What's this got to do with anything, Mr. Garrison?" Tweek asked.

A subtle but smug smirk overcame Mr. Garrison's face as he straightened his glasses with his right hand. "Well, it shows how manipulative bitches can be. The boys in this room need to know this." The few girls in the room who were actually paying some semblance of attention to Mr. Garrison's speech rolled their eyes in annoyance.

"Oh, ok. I get it." Tweek put his hand down and shrugged. The rest of the children were either zoned out, beginning to fall asleep, or were already asleep.

Mr. Garrison turned to the front of the room and looked upwards, and above the blackboard was a white analog clock. "So it's 9:26, recess is in four minutes." He turned to the rest of the class as the rest of the children slowly woke up and began to pay attention. "Now I forgot to take role earlier this morning, how stupid of me, but first, before I do that, Eric Cartman wants to share something with the class, and..." Mr. Garrison shot a glare at the fat kid sitting front and center, "...it's not gonna be something stupid that comes out of your mouth this time, I'm sure?"

Eric got up out of his seat and began to walk forward. "No." Mr. Garrison stepped aside to his left towards the doorway as Eric turned to the front of the class. Some children gazed upon him with neutral feelings while others shot angry glares, but that didn't put off Eric. "Yes, why, thank you. Today, I'm going to be starting a fundraiser, and I'll need whatever help I can get. If you would like to join me, meet with me this recess in the library. Today. Any questions?" A boy sitting behind where Eric sat raised his hand, wearing a blue chullo, blue jacket, and black pants. "Yes Craig?"

"What's the fundraiser about?" Craig asked as he put his hand down.

A lump formed in Eric's gut. He hasn't put that much thought into how he was going to trick his fellow classmates. And he was certain that Kyle would easily figure him out of he said the wrong words, like a Jew he is, according to Eric himself. Not to mention, he already told Stan and Wendy about his plans, would the couple actually try to foil the fundraiser, or would they not care? Those questions were unknown but important to Eric as brainwaves raced through his mind. "Um...come again?"

"Who are you donating to?" Craig asked. Stan and Wendy sat up straight, their eyes intently gazing upon the fat kid up in the front.

Eric's eyes rolled over to the couple, who sat next to each other near the doorway. They both knew of his plan, but they seemingly wore neutral expressions. He turned back to Craig, who was still struck with curiosity. "Well, um, Craig. That's a good question." He then turned his attention towards Kyle, the boy with the orange jacket, light-green ushanka, and dark-green pants, who was on the opposite side of the room from the previous couple. Kyle seemed to stare blankly into the blackboard, not even paying Eric any mind. But that's the thing about Kyle - Eric wasn't sure if Kyle was trying to lure him into a false sense of security. "I'll give you the full details on the meeting. I mean -" Eric turned to Mr. Garrison, who stood next to the doorway with an expression of boredom "- Mr. Garrison, it certainly wouldn't be fair to keep these bored children sitting here in this classroom just because of me, and it wouldn't be fair for me to spend recess time talking about my problems, right?" A subtle smile formed on Eric, he was sure his excuse would buy him time to think.

Mr. Garrison shrugged. "Fair enough. You bore me anyhow." As Eric took it as a cue to sit back down, Mr. Garrison walked over to his desk and picked up a black pen and clipboard. "Ok, Andrew Anderson?"

"Here."

"Karen Anderson?"

"Here."

"Brad Biggle?"

"Here"

"Token Black?"

"Here."

"Kyle Broflovski?"

"Here."

"Lance Carlson?"

"Here."

"Eric Cartman?"

"Sup?"

"Melissa Daniels?"

"Here."

"Cole Dimmons?"

"Here."

"Clyde Donovan?"

"Here."

"Lola Evans?"

"Here."

"Nelly Hall?"

"Here."

"Ray Irvington?"

"Here."

"Jason Jones?"

"Here."

"Kal Jorgensen?"

"Here."

"Annie Knitts?"

"Here."

"Millie Larsen?"

"Here."

"Riley Lawrence?"

"Here."

"Kent Leone?"

"Here."

"Stan Marsh?"

"Here."

"Emily Marx?"

"Here."

"Kenny McCormick?"

"Here"

"Jessie Mills?"

"Here."

"Allie Nelson?"

"Here."

"Kelly Nelson?"

"Here."

"Tammy Nelson?"

"Here."

"Francis Oswald?"

"Here."

"Greg Phillipe?"

"Here."

"Jenny Simon?"

"Here."

"Bebe Stevens?"

"Here."

"Esther Stoley?"

"Here."

"Kevin Stoley?"

"Here."

"Butters Stotch?"

"Here."

"Wendy Testaburger?"

"Here."

"Craig Tucker?"

"Here."

"Red Tucker?"

"Here."

"Heidi Turner?"

"Here."

"Sally Turner?"

"Here."

"Tweek Tweak?"

"H-h-here!"

"John Vanson?"

"Here."

As Mr. Garrison put down the clipboard on his desk, the bell rung. "Alright kids, you can go to recess. Get outta here." Without another word, the children all got up from their seats and walked out of the classroom.

* * *

At the lockers near the restrooms stood Kyle along with another boy who was in Mr. Garrison's class. The other boy's features were well hidden behind a hooded orange parka and orange pants: the boy's hood was up over nearly his entire face. Kyle and the other boy looked around for a few moments, then Kyle leaned over to the other boy. "So what do you think, Kenny?"

Kenny raised an eyebrow, unsure of what the green hat kid was trying to say. "About what?"

"About Cartman's fundraiser," Kyle replied. "Don't you think...don't you think it's all too fishy? He keeps avoiding every question thrown at him today. And I know him, I know he's definitely in it for something he wants."

"You've seen the way he avoided Craig's question?" Kenny replied. Both of the boys knew that Eric's plan was too fishy. But what could they do? They can't really prove anything.

That is, until a certain couple came up to the two boys. "He's using the 'fundraiser' money to buy Destiny for himself." Kenny and Kyle turned to see that it was Stan who spoke. Stan came up from behind Kenny along with Wendy.

"I knew it, that son of a bitch." Kyle curled both his hands into fists. It angered him to know that Eric was just using people and benevolent causes for his own profit gain once again. "I can't believe he'd do this...ok, actually, I _can_ believe he'd do this, but still..." Kyle's hands then uncurled and straightened out. "I half want to go after him again, but, I don't know, it's just going to be a bigger pain in the ass for me."

"Agreed," Wendy replied.

"Cartman's a dumbass," Kenny pointed out. "Manipulative, but still a dumbass."

"Yeah, hehe." Stan snickered a few times before straightening himself. "But yeah, Kyle, you're right. Probably not the best idea to keep getting involved with Cartman."

"Oh it's fine! Go tell the whole world, you fuckin' assholes!" The spastic yell from behind Wendy nearly made the four jump as they turned around to see Eric staring angrily down at the other four. It seemed that by sheer coincidence and luck that no one else was in the hallway at this time. All of the other children by some mysterious celestial alignment already went outside, so no one else could possibly eavesdrop upon the conversation between the five.

"We're not ratting you out, Cartman," Stan replied, "well, at least I won't."

"Cartman, don't do this." Wendy rolled her eyes then continued to look directly into Eric's eyes. "I know you want Destiny, but stop acting like a spoiled brat." On one hand, she wanted to stop Eric's scheme. On the other hand, in the back of her mind, she knew why Stan, Kyle, and Kenny don't want to get involved, and that is because oftentimes the three often land themselves into even more trouble than the punishment Eric receives, and it would not be right to be angry at them.

Despite how benign Wendy's insult is, Eric still took it very personally as he glared angrily at Wendy. "'Ey! Shut you mouth you hoe! And like I said before, none of you can join!"

Kyle shook his head. Rolling his eyes at the insults and stupidity that came out of Eric's mouth, he peered over to Kenny, who's eyes caught his own. "Kenny, go tell Cartman to shut the fuck up."

Kenny nodded, and turned back to Eric. Despite his mouth being beneath his hoodie, he still made himself very clear and concise as he said his next piece. "Shut the fuck up Cartman."

Eric, using his right hand, pointed a fat finger straight at Kenny's heart. "Ey! Screw you poor boy! I'm gonna make money, and I'm gonna make money right now! Screw you guys..." Eric then retracted his right arm and pointed a thumb from whence he came, "...I'm going that way." Eric then turned around to leave.

Stan rolled his eyes as Eric left. "Fatass."

"Screw you, jackass!" Eric shouted as he turned a left corner, apparently hearing Stan's insult.

"Apparently Cartman's hearing is very selective, hehe." Wendy put her right hand over her mouth and giggled softly into it. A though formed into her mind, one which she pondered on yesterday with Stan. Turning to Kenny, she shrugged as she gazed curiously upon the poor boy. "Hey Kenny...do you still work at City Wok? How is that place not in trouble for child labor?"

Kenny smirked underneath his hood. "It's the way of the Chinese. It's all about the disciprine." Stan laughed at Kenny's Chinese impersonation. Kenny's smile then faded. "Jokes aside, Wendy, I probably make almost as much money as my parents do. It's also how I pay for my WoW subscription."

"Hey, speaking of WoW..." Kyle's face showed curiosity as he peered over to Stan this time. "Did you guys start playing WoW again?"

"Uh, yeah, dude," Stan replied, "since, like yesterday. Every 4th grader is getting back on."

"What?" Kyle was left astonished. "No one ever told me!"

"No offense, Kyle, but you're pretty slow with trends," Wendy replied.

"Just get your shaman tonight ya pussy," Kenny taunted.

As Kyle rolled his eyes at Kenny's insult, Wendy began to back away from the group. "Ok, well, I'm gonna be joining my friends at the playground." She then leaned toward Stan to kiss him on his left cheek, leaving him blushing deep red. "Love you, Stan."

"Hey, guys, wait." Wendy stopped in her tracks and turned around, ready to hear what else Kyle had to say. "Who in their right mind would actually help Cartman with his 'fundraiser'?"

* * *

In the school library during recess sat four children at a rectangular table near the front. It was Eric, along with three other students from his 4th grade class. One boy has a small tuft of blonde hair with a teal jacket and dark green pants. Another boy had thick brown hair, a red jacket, and brown pants, similar to Eric, but he was not fat. The third girl wore navy-blue jacket and navy-blue pants, and her hair was the color of blood. Eric was sitting next to the blonde boy while the other boy and the girl were sitting next to each other. The other kids had their eyes on Eric, ready to listen to whatever he had to say.

Eric put on his light-blue beanie as he gazed upon the skinnier children who joined him. "So it's gonna be you three. Butters..." Eric looked upon the blonde kid first. "...Clyde..." Eric then looked upon the skinnier brown-haired boy. He then gazed his notice on the girl. "...I forgot what your name is."

"Red." The girl rolled her eyes. "I've been in your class the entire year Cartman and you still don't know my name?"

Eric ignored the snide remark, it mattered not to him. "Anyways, as you all know, yes, I am planning a fundraiser and plan to start it after school. I was thinking to start it in front of the mall, that way we'll get lots of money from lots of people."

"So what's the fundraiser for?" Clyde asked.

That was the question that Eric kept trying to find a good answer. However, like the kind of evil child he is, he wouldn't know any good fundraising organizations or noble causes to fundraise for. Of course though, Butters stepped up, "hey, like PETA?"

"PETA's dead, heard they all got gunned down," Red replied.

"Or Middle Park, they need their town rebuilt from the Nazi Zombies last week," Butters added. "Oh, gosh darn, how it only feels to be in their shoes."

That was the big break for Eric. It was the lie he needed to cover his true motives, and it came like a gift from God. Nevertheless, he straightened himself in terms of mood and composure as he nodded. "Yes. Exactly. We're donating to Middle Park. Our goal is to raise...let's say at least one-thousand dollars by the end of this week?" While Eric really only needed sixty dollars, he wouldn't mind getting his hands on at least nine-hundred forty more if he had the opportunity.

"One-thousand doesn't seem like alot..." Clyde rubbed his chin, then looked back upon Eric. "...but let's do it!"

"How are we going to raise that money?" Red asked.

"Easy: we sell cupcakes." The other three children nodded at Eric's idea. There was nothing complicated about it at all. "And the best part is: my mom can make the cupcakes so we don't have to do any of the work. We just set up tables in front of the mall, and we sell."

The other three children grinned, knowing they wouldn't have to do much work to help others. "Nice."

Eric grinned as well, knowing that he so easily fooled the other three idiots, as they were to him. Of course though, in the doorway into the library stood another 4th grader unseen. He wore a messy brown hair, black round glasses, a blue jacket that revealed a yellow T-shirt, and gray pants. He stood partly behind the wall, his head peering towards the other four children who had discussed their plans at the mall and are now shaking hands. "Meeting adjourned," Eric had said. The kid then hid completely behind, disgusted at the scene, having heard everything.

His name is John Vanson, and he is not happy.

* * *

 **John Vanson is not my OC, he belongs to JVM-SP150. All other OCs are my own and the canon characters belong to M &T. That said, despite the long class list posted, that is mostly flavor text, and most of those children (OC and canon) won't have a very big part, if at all. Additionally, some more references are made to my last story, such as PETA dying and people playing World of Warcraft again.**

 **So what's with John Vanson? Find out soon.**


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